Treat your first like your second

Mother-2-Mother is a blogging series where I am sharing some advice that I tend to give friends when they ask. Take from it what you will. Parenting is a touchy subject. I am by no means telling you how to parent.

I think that I was pretty lucky that I knew that I was pregnant when Calan was only 4 months old. Basically, I had to start thinking of him as part of a sibling pair from the very start . He was never an only child in my eyes.

This, I believe, was a blessing in learning to parent and making the actual transition to 2 children. 

There is no way to actually prepare your child for a new brother or sister. You can read as many books as you want to him or her, but the fact is until their sibling is here, they have no idea what is in store. I mean, let's be honest, were you prepared for 2? I know I wasn't. I thought I was, but until that little bundle is here, no one can tell you what it is going to be like. 

Trust me, I know that no matter what you do, your first is always going to be treated a bit differently. It is hard not to give your undying attention to that little being that gives you so much joy and happiness. But, the more you think about your first already being a sibling, the more prepared he or she will be when a baby actually comes. 

It is OK to not jump every time your first cries. 

It is OK to let him play by himself for an extended period of time. 

It is OK to set a routine that works for you and not the other way around. 

It is OK to say "not now" when he wants to be held.

I know that in theory we all think these things are OK, but when your little one is crying or wanting to be held it is so hard to not just give in even though you were in the middle of doing something else. 

The fact is we only have 2 hands despite what our husbands (and the world) think. We can only do so much. So, set some presidence before your first is actually a sibling. The more you do early on, the easier it is later on. 

Of course, having my babies so close together, this topic was pretty easy to imagine because it was actually happening. It wasn't pretend. It was very real. But, I can see now why seeing Calan as a sibling from the very beginning was a true blessing. 

Here are some things that I did:

• Pack-and-play time (Independent playtime). I have mentioned this many times before, but it truly is a Godsend. Calan from about 6 months on played in his pack-and-play by himself where he could not see me. The key was him not seeing me. When Maisie was here, there were obviously times that I had to be somewhere else than there with Calan, but because not seeing me was normal by the time Maisie was here, there were no issues. 
• Not attachment parenting. My parenting style is directly different than attachment parenting. I love my children, but I do not, nor will I carry them consistently. Actually, both my kids are the biggest wiggle worms when be held and just want to get down. I know that other mothers swear by this style of parenting, but not me. I want my kids to be independent of me from a very early age. I don't know if I had worn Calan all the time if it would have made a difference when Maisie came, but from not doing it, I know that he was never jealous of her. 
• Sharing is caring. Make sure that you aren't giving into everything your child wants you to do. A sibling will not be that willing. I can already see Calan getting a bit bossy toward Maisie and we are working on it. Part of it is that she doesn't understand what Calan wants her to do, but for me, it is teaching Calan that he can't always have his way. I think firstborns are bossy for a reason. We give into a lot of the things they want to do. It is so easy to switch from reading a book to playing with a train to playing airplane when ever your child wants to. It isn't hurting anyone, so why not? Just remember that won't be true for a sibling. Even though Maisie doesn't care now when Calan takes one of her toys from her, she will soon enough, so being able to teach him early on that he can't have his way or that he has to share and wait his turn have been great life lessons at such an early age. 
• Not first-come, first serve. And remember, whatever you do with your first (special outings, birthday parties, blogs, etc.), you should be doing it for your second. My mom reminded me last year at Calan's first birthday that I would have to do it all again next year for Maisie. And it is so true, I can't make his first birthday so special without also doing it for Maisie. I already do not have a baby book for Maisie and never announced her birth in the newspaper. I also, rarely made Maisie's baby food and Calan rarely ate anythign canned. I know one day that will come back and be thrown in my face, but it reminds me that I need to do things for both all the time. 

Get out of the house

As a stay-at-home mom, it is so easy to just stay at home. Everything you need to keep your baby happy is right there and usually within arms reach. It is so easy to fall into a rut where staying home seems like the only option.

You are exhausted and the idea of leaving your comfort space seems like it would take too much energy and effort that you are just not in the mood to give.

However, the truth is being a stay-at-home mom can be very isolating and getting out of the house (just like a shower) can be refreshing for you and your little one.

I am naturally an outgoing person, but I am a homebody as well. I can tell when I need to be home to regroup and when I need to get out to refresh.

Getting out of the house is not as daunting as it seems. Yes, it takes effort and yes, it can be exhausting, but sanity-wise it is totally worth it.

Whenever Calan seems to be having a whining kind of a day, I pack us up and go somewhere. Just a change of scenery seems to take him out of his bad mood and makes it so much easier. On days like that, I am actually less exhausted getting out of the house than if we had just stayed home.

When I am home too much, I feel like I am saying "No" and "Don't touch that" all the the time. Both my kids have curious hands and it zaps the energy right out of me.

When Calan was a newborn, I loved going to my favorite coffee shop for his morning nap. He slept and I read and it was fabulous. Those easy days of going out were short lived, but going out is still a priority for me. They need to learn how to behave when we are out in public and I need to feel like I am doing more than just feeding and changing babies (back to the whole feel-like-a-human kind of thing).

Plus, when you put yourself out there joining mom groups and clubs and playdates, you learn so much about being a mom. I love "mommy" friends. When we can talk about our ups and downs, I feel like I am not alone and I am not on my own mommy planet. I learn from other moms. I learn what kind of mom I want to be. I learn what to prepare for and what I might need to handle in the future.

So, go do something today and enjoy!

Mother-2-Mother is a blogging series where I am sharing some advice that I tend to give friends when they ask. Take from it what you will. Parenting is a touchy subject. I am by no means telling you how to parent. 

It's OK to shower

It is so easy to loose track of yourself when you have a newborn. It is so easy to start feeling like the feeding machine (or cow) rather than a mother or woman. It is so easy to get stuck in a rut. It is so easy to start feeling less than you are. To me it is a slippery slope that I swear starts with a shower. 

A shower refreshes you. A shower reminds you that you are more than a feeding machine. A shower reminds you that you are still human. 

I swear that taking a shower daily kept me sane during the newborn stage of my children. Lack of sleep, lack of time, lack of a life, it all can feel overwhelming at the time. But by taking a shower, I felt renewed each morning.

It is so hard sometimes to take 30 minutes for ourselves when another human being is completely dependent on us. But I swear to you, that if you take that 30 minutes to get showered and dressed and maybe even a little makeup, you will feel 100% better, more focused, and more in control of your day

Now, don't get me wrong. There are days that I don't shower, but 9 times out of 10, I do. I make time in our schedule for me to do it. If I was a working mother, I would shower and make the time, why shouldn't I do it even though I am staying home? 

Some mothers might love the fact that they get to stay in PJs for as long as they want as a stay-at-home mom and I can respect that. I just choose to shower because of how it makes me feel and I need to get my day started with a shower (and coffee). 

It is OK to put a priority on ourselves especially when dealing with a newborn and all the hormone issues that follow that. 

When I had Maisie, that first week home I tried to shower when I could. It was kind of a joke with me that either I had time to shower and blow-dry my hair or shower and put on makeup, but doing all 3 seemed impossible. However, it got better, we got more on a routine, and I was able to do all 3 in 30 minutes. 

Now, I know that their are babies that cry A LOT, which can make it hard for a mother to make time for a shower. But, I think those mothers need a shower the must just to refresh their spirit and patience. While not ideal, it is OK for your baby to cry. You might not be able to find 30 minutes, but even a 5 minute shower is better than nothing. Don't you think? I do. 

I have never been a mom who could wake up before her children, so I have always had to figure out a time to do it. Here are my tips on how to fit in a shower:

• Pick a safe space for your baby that you know you can let them be for at least 30 minutes. Before my kids were moving, I put them on their play mat or bouncy chair either in the bathroom or outside the door. After that stopped working, I used our pack-and-play and after that I utilized their bedroom. (I think that it is actually good for kids to play by themselves and not be able to see you during that time.)
• Schedule it. If you want to shower in the morning, work it into your daily routine. I usually shower after breakfast. Calan is usually playing in his room and Maisie is either napping if it is later than 9 a.m. or she is playing in her pack-and-play. 
• Let your children know what you are doing. All I have to do is tell Calan that mommy is taking a shower and he needs to play in his room till I am done and he does it. He doesn't try to leave his room or destroy his room. He usually sits in his chair and either reads, looks out the window, or plays with his cars. 
• Stay consistent. Like anything, with repetition it gets easier to figure out. Like I said at first, I couldn't seem to get it all done at once, but soon it all fell into place and I am showered with hair and makeup done usually by 9:30.

Mother-2-Mother is a blogging series where I am sharing some advice that I tend to give friends when they ask. Take from it what you will. Parenting is a touchy subject. I am by no means telling you how to parent. 

Embrace the Craziness

It goes with out saying that there is never a dull moment when you have kids. I remember times when Maisie was still nursing and Calan still needed a lot of foods cut up that I would be feeding the 2 of them and myself all at the same time. I remember sitting back and just thinking how nuts it all was and if anyone else saw me right now, they would think I was nuts too. I felt like I belonged in a zoo. But the fact is life with kids is a zoo, but aren't zoos suppose to be fun?

The more I enjoy the craziness, the less it seems crazy to me. I don't think I will ever feel like I have enough arms and hands to do everything that needs to be done. Life is no doubt full of craziness. But this is all such a short time in my life that if I don't embrace it now, I will miss it.

When Calan is up rocking half the night or Maisie decides to be up at 5:30 a.m., I remind myself how quickly they will be teenagers that won't wake up till noon. I feel like I will miss these times then. That doesn't mean that there aren't nights that I want to strap Calan to his bed so he stops rocking; it just means I try not to dwell on it.

There is no doubt that most of the time I feel like a chicken with its head cutoff. But the more I embrace the craziness, the more peace I have that I didn't have during Calan's first year. I feel like I am enjoying them more.

The more I release control, the more I get to enjoy my kids. And isn't that what we want to do? I want to look back and think that I really did enjoy them as infants and toddlers. I am not just waiting for them to get older and for life to get easier. The fact is that life never gets easier. Life is different, yes, but easier, no. There are always new obstacles and challenges.

There is something to be said about not looking to the past and not looking too much to the future. If we embrace our present craziness, we can actually see the fun in it all.

My kids most definitely keep me on my toes, but they are seriously two of the most amazing people I know (I might be a little bias here of course). I love watching them explore and learn knew things. If I am too concerned with keeping life at a dull hum then I miss out on all the fun craziness and joy that they bring to my life.

So embrace the craziness. Let go of unreal expectations. And go a little nuts.

Mother-2-Mother is a blogging series where I am sharing some advice that I tend to give friends when they ask. Take from it what you will. Parenting is a touchy subject. I am by no means telling you how to parent. 

Mother-2-Mother: You are your child's mother

I have had a few friends asking for a little advice lately, so I thought maybe it would be time for me to start my first series of blogs based on that very topic. I am not a perfect parent, nor do I have perfect children. Over the last year or two, I have just learned a few things that I'd like to share. I don't usually offer up advice unless a friend asks. I just have found a few things that I tend to repeat to my friends who are new mothers. Those things are what I am going to share in this blog series. Take from it what you will. Parenting is a touchy subject, so I am by no means telling you how to parent your child. So here is my first post:

You are Your Child's Mother

I truly believe that God gave me Calan and Maisie as a gift and that he is giving me the knowledge and guidance to be their mother. I am not any other child's mother. I do not know how to parent someone else's child. God did not bless me with someone else's child. I believe that I have the instincts and knowledge to be solely Calan and Maisie's mother.

We have natural instincts and nurturing abilities that are distinctly important to our children. You have to trust that you know how to be a parent to your child. A mother's intuition is nothing to laugh at. It is there and you have it.

I, of course, make mistakes all the time, but, I think, mistakes are necessary obstacles that help me get to where I need to be.

As a new mom, ask for help, advice, and parenting guidance. Let those who have done it help you, but remember that you know your child and what worked for someone else's child may not work for yours. It goes without saying that every child is distinctly different and you are a distinctly different mom. 

Why do I think this point is so important? Because it builds confidence.

If you believe that you know how to be your child's parent, than you can have confidence in the decisions you make for your child.

Every new mother worries. Every new parent wants the best for their child. Every child is a gift we don't want to screw up.

Have confidence that you are your child's mother and that you were designed specifically for that child.

Since this is my first time doing a series, please let me know how I am doing. Suggestions and advice and criticism would be greatly appreciated.