A blur of a week

How is it already Friday? I feel fried. I feel tired. I feel like I need to do something to get me out of this slump.

We have been busy this week. I can't exactly remember what we did Monday, but every other day has been full of fun things. From MOPS on Tuesdays, Playaway (activities class) and trick-or-treating at a local nursing home on Wednesday, and a Moms Club Halloween party plus my car battery dying and our parenting class on Thursday, it has been a full week.

It is finally Friday and I am trying to catch up on everything. I'm cleaning. This pregnancy zaps most of my energy, so cleaning has not been a high priority in my life and you can tell. My house is a disaster most of the time. I would really like to start the weekend off with a clean house, so that is my focus and goal today. So far so good. A few loads of laundry done, bedding changed, and rooms dusted. It is not always easy to get things done around my two toddlers, but a momma's got to do what a momma's got to do. And it WILL get done.

It is finally nap time and once Calan is asleep I will tackle my bathroom including my tub, which is a disaster and needs a good ole fashion scrub down. How do things get so bad so quickly?

Still in my pajamas. Probably should shower at some point as well. How is it already 12:45? This day is flying by. Thank goodness.

The kids have been pretty good today. Though this week has been full of ups and downs with Mr. Calan. Our wonderful toddler flushed an object down our toilet costing us quite a bit to have a plumber come out on a Saturday to fix it (when you only have one bathroom, there really isn't an option). He destroyed his room during a room time this week dumping over his diaper pail with dirty diapers and dumping baking soda all around it. Plus, he has been biting his sister. It has been a trying week to say the least.

But there have been some great moments as well. Maisie is FINALLY starting to walk. She is about a 60/40 right now, walking about 40 percent of the time. I really was starting to give up hope, but she is getting there. Calan has been pretty obsessed with playing with his good friend Gavin that he has started to pray for Gavin and to be able to play trains with him. It is so stinking cute.

The kids are filled with fun and craziness. I am tired a lot of the time, but their smiles do make life a lot better. Love being a mom to these 2 babies. Oh baby number 3, you have know idea what you are in for.

The kids a local farm for our church's family night. The both loved the hay pile and Maisie did not freak out at the farm animals. 

A little Halloween preview from this weeks trick-or-treating and party. 

Pinkalicious

I turned pink 5 years ago today. I swear my face was pink, my hands were pink, and my belly was the color of a sunset. I cried I was so beautiful. I even had pink tears.

Five years ago today, I did not feel beautiful, but at that point, I had no idea how beautiful life would be. I needed to turn pink to change my life. 

I never know how to feel on today. The day marks a not-so happy day, but yet the joy that I feel to pass it every year makes me smile and cheer "I'm still here."

When I was told at 26 that I had breast cancer, I was a bit naive about what I was really facing. I was naive at how much I was dealing with at that moment. Everything happens so quickly. You are diagnosed, you are sent through a million tests, and then treatment starts. The beginning is such a whirlwind there is no time to really digest what is happening. I remember thinking that during some test or at some point they would tell me they had it all wrong that I was fine and that I could leave. That never happened. 

Then as treatment continued you get this fighter spirit that damn it, nothing is going to take you down. You go through it all like a warrior. 

Then treatment stops and for the rest of your life you wait. I still wait. 

But waiting and stopping are two totally different things. I have never stopped. 

I love and appreciate the life I have now. I still have many faults and I still have many selfish tendencies, but I do believe that I am a different person than I was 5 years ago. The small stuff, the joyful stuff, the simple things matter beyond words. 

I have had so many friends and family support me through my journey and friendships blossom because of my diagnosis. My gratitude toward all of them is immeasurable. I live life more open-handedly because of the support and love others showed me. 

I like the person I have become. I look back on my before-cancer self and I really look at such disappointment. I was missing it. I was missing the small stuff. I was taking too much for granted. I was not the person I dreamed or desired to be. 

I see myself differently now. I am be no means perfect. I have many many flaws, but I like me. I like my life. 

Then I look at my children. The babies that came so easy and without effort. The ones some told me might not happen. The ones I know were meant to be ours. And my heart grows tenfold. I like that I am better a mom and wife than I would have ever been if I had not turned pink. 

When I was diagnosed, I knew what I had to do. I had to hold my nose and take what they gave me. I had to choke down pills, gag on chemo, and burp up radiation. But the next thing I knew, my arms tickled, my ears tingled, and my feet twitched. I was no longer pink. I was (a better) me and I was beautiful. 

Thanks to my husband, family, and friends. I love you all. Five years and counting. 

First trimester blues

I am sure regular readers have noticed my silence over the last couple weeks. Well, now that you know that I am pregnant, I hope it makes a little more sense. This first trimester has been zapping all my energy and brain power. Plus, for the first time, I experienced a mild case of morning sickness.

I have been napping when my kids nap and not just for an hour or so, but for the full 3 hours that they are down. And some days, they are the ones to wake me up when they wake up.

My will power or desire to blog has been non-existent. I felt like I was in a baby blue trap. My motivation for anything other than making my sure kids were fed and in clean clothes was absolutely missing.

I have spent a lot of time sitting on the couch watching TV. It has been a bit sad really, but seriously it was all that I could muster from weeks 8 to 12.

I am finally feeling a light at the end of the first trimester tunnel. I am  no longer sick and I am slowly gaining my energy back. I have a good day and then I have a day like yesterday where I needed a 3-hour nap to survive the day.

I am so thankful that my children still take naps. Not sure I would have been able to handle this first trimester without the child break.

I keep joking that this third child is going out with a bang. So far it has been my worst pregnancy to date, which isn't saying much since my last two were pretty awesome (or at least that is how I remember them).

I am glad that I am starting to feel like myself again and that this trimester is finally coming to an end. Happy second trimester bliss!

Totally wonder if these two are ready for a third. Love sibling playtime. 

Bring on Number 3

12 week tiny baby bump, though to me, I feel huge. 

Well it is official. It must be true since it is posted on Facebook. It is really happening. We are having our third child.

When Bob and I would talk about our future family size, I always thought we needed more than 2. I am one of 4 and Bob is the oldest of 5, so neither of us come from a two-child family. However, once we had 2, my thoughts were how could we possibly manage more.

I was tired, I was stretched thin, and I didn't know if I really could handle more than 2 children. I only have so many hands.

I remember when I was pregnant with Maisie and people would say, "Oh, a boy and a girl, the perfect family," it would irk me like no other. I know that some of my annoyance was pregnancy provoked, but I seriously wanted to scream that not everyone just wants 2 children and not everyone just wants a boy and a girl. There is no perfect family.

Well, then I had my 2, and yes a boy and a girl, and in my tired and exhausted state-of-mind, I thought, well maybe I do have the perfect family. Maybe those strangers were right? Maybe this is all that we need?

But, then life got easier. My two babies were doing better and needing me a little less. I started to sleep better and that urge to complete our family hit me.

I think my husband would have been fine with just two, but even though the thought of 3 under 3 is daunting, he would agree that our family was meant for one more child.

So in July after months of debating should we or shouldn't we, we pulled the trigger per say. We stopped all the what ifs and maybes, and just decided to go with our guts.

Again, there was little trying. We got pregnant on the first try.

So here we are. Pregnant and expecting our third bundle of joy. We are excited and fearful. We are completely scared of what it will be like. I almost feel like a first-time parent again. I have many worries. I have many fears. But, I'm beyond excited. I am beyond thrilled. I am elated to complete our perfect family.

THE TIEBREAKER