Pinkalicious

I turned pink 5 years ago today. I swear my face was pink, my hands were pink, and my belly was the color of a sunset. I cried I was so beautiful. I even had pink tears.

Five years ago today, I did not feel beautiful, but at that point, I had no idea how beautiful life would be. I needed to turn pink to change my life. 

I never know how to feel on today. The day marks a not-so happy day, but yet the joy that I feel to pass it every year makes me smile and cheer "I'm still here."

When I was told at 26 that I had breast cancer, I was a bit naive about what I was really facing. I was naive at how much I was dealing with at that moment. Everything happens so quickly. You are diagnosed, you are sent through a million tests, and then treatment starts. The beginning is such a whirlwind there is no time to really digest what is happening. I remember thinking that during some test or at some point they would tell me they had it all wrong that I was fine and that I could leave. That never happened. 

Then as treatment continued you get this fighter spirit that damn it, nothing is going to take you down. You go through it all like a warrior. 

Then treatment stops and for the rest of your life you wait. I still wait. 

But waiting and stopping are two totally different things. I have never stopped. 

I love and appreciate the life I have now. I still have many faults and I still have many selfish tendencies, but I do believe that I am a different person than I was 5 years ago. The small stuff, the joyful stuff, the simple things matter beyond words. 

I have had so many friends and family support me through my journey and friendships blossom because of my diagnosis. My gratitude toward all of them is immeasurable. I live life more open-handedly because of the support and love others showed me. 

I like the person I have become. I look back on my before-cancer self and I really look at such disappointment. I was missing it. I was missing the small stuff. I was taking too much for granted. I was not the person I dreamed or desired to be. 

I see myself differently now. I am be no means perfect. I have many many flaws, but I like me. I like my life. 

Then I look at my children. The babies that came so easy and without effort. The ones some told me might not happen. The ones I know were meant to be ours. And my heart grows tenfold. I like that I am better a mom and wife than I would have ever been if I had not turned pink. 

When I was diagnosed, I knew what I had to do. I had to hold my nose and take what they gave me. I had to choke down pills, gag on chemo, and burp up radiation. But the next thing I knew, my arms tickled, my ears tingled, and my feet twitched. I was no longer pink. I was (a better) me and I was beautiful. 

Thanks to my husband, family, and friends. I love you all. Five years and counting. 

One Proud Momma

The shirts I made for the kids with an iron-on applique.

May 2010 - 36 weeks pregnant with Calan.

Last night, I drove around for about 2 hours trying to find a plain white T-shirt for my son. (Why is there no plain shirts in 2T anywhere?) I needed it for Saturday. I needed to make sure that my kids had matching outfits. It is important to me.

Why is it so important? Because on Saturday, I will once again be walking in the Detroit Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. The last 2 years, I was very pregnant in my survivor shirt. This year, I will be pushing a decked-out double stroller with the 2 best accessories ever - My babies. 

My husband asked me last night why it mattered so much and it is because I want to be an inspiration to someone else. I want someone else to see that cancer was by no means the end of me. My life has quickly moved on and it is amazing. I am proud to be the mother and survivor. On Saturday I get to show off both. It is important. 

May 2011 - 31 weeks pregnant with Maisie.

It is sometimes hard to see what life is going to be like after cancer. For me, it was hard to be done with treatment and not sure what the next step would be. One day you are battling cancer, and the next, you are just back to normal life. You don't know how much cancer will affect the rest of your life, and for everyone, it is different. But, I hope some young girl sees me walking with my double stroller and realizes there is so much more after cancer. 

My kids are my proof that cancer did not win. My kids are my hope that my future is endless. 

Grateful Friday: The opportunity to nurse

I'll be honest when I dreamed of being a mom, nursing was the farthest thing from my mind. I didn't really care one way or the other. I never really sat and thought about it. That was until the opportunity was almost taken from me before I was even able to decide. 

When I was debating whether to have a single or double mastectomy, breast feeding all of a sudden became a big issue to me. Having children all of a sudden became a huge issue to me. I was facing the fact that I may or may not be able to have children after chemo therapy and if I did have children, I may or may not be able to breast feed them. 

At that moment, I decided that not only did I want to be a mother (which I knew already), but that I wanted to be the best mother I could be. And at that moment that meant having the opportunity to breast feed my babies. I knew that I couldn't control what chemo did to my body (I understood that it needed to do what it needed to do), but I could control my surgery option. I had a hard time letting go.

I know that there are many reasons why women can't breast feed. I am just grateful that I was able to. Cancer didn't take that away from me. I am grateful that I was given the chance to try. 

I can already tell that my time of nursing Maisie is coming to an end. She is getting frustrated and starting to wean toward the bottle. I made it 5.5 months with Calan when he weaned and I thought it was because I was pregnant, but now that Maisie is weaning at about the same time, it might just be my supply issue. 

However, I am grateful that she and I had our time together and that I was given the opportunity to breast feed her. 

4 years strong

I never know how I am suppose to feel each year when Oct. 16 comes along. It is a day that I won't really forget, but one that seems like such a different lifetime. I don't know why, but I don't really hold on to bad memories. A part of me kind of doesn't remember a lot of my cancer experience. Is that crazy? I am sure many would not understand, but I remember somethings, but a lot of it is just in the past.

Now I could go back and read the blog that I wrote during the whole experience, but I just haven't been able to bring myself to do that either.

But I would say that each year when this day comes and goes, I feel blessed. I realize all the things that have happened over the course of 4 years and I am so incredibly thankful to God that I was here for everything. Three of my best friends got married, two of them had children, my brother-in-law married an amazing woman, I quit my job (hopefully never to return), and the biggest blessing of all, Calan and Maisie.

I look at the past 4 years and realize how quickly time has flown by and how life has never stopped. I battled cancer and I am strong because of it.

I battled cancer and I am still me, but a better version.

I battled cancer and kept on going.

So today, I am grateful. I am grateful to all my family and friends who love me and support me. And all my family and friends who keep encouraging me to well ... Be Me.

Thank you.

The pink elephant in the room

Bob and I back in May 2008. I had finished chemo in
February and had my mastectomy in March. I was
still doing radiation treatments at the time this photo.

I'd be lying if I said that I didn't worry about my health on a daily basis, or when I think about dying tears instantly well up in my eyes. I'd be lying if I didn't look at my children and wonder if they will know me their whole lives or just a short time. I do worry and I worry a lot.

October is one of those dreaded months for me. On Oct. 16, 2007, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was 26-years-old. I wish that I had been diagnosed in any other month than October. I love that there is awareness out there, but seriously all the pink just reminds me of the ever present elephant that hangs out in my life.

I was just reading the synopsis of the Lifetime movie "Five" that premieres tonight at 9. I instantly started crying, so I will not be watching the movie. I don't think that I can handle it yet even though it has been 4 years. I don't think that I will ever be able to handle it. I watched a movie back when I was pregnant that started off about a love story and I thought it was just a romantic story, but then in the last 15 minutes BAM; the main character dies of cancer. It sent me into a horrible tailspin that Bob was pretty freaked out by. I was hysterical. I just kept thinking how I am bringing another life into the world that I might not be able to see grow and even worse, I was bringing a girl that I wouldn't be able to teach her everything that a mom can teach their daughter.

Now, I know that I have been healthy and that everything went really well with my treatments, and I can't worry about the things that I can't control or worry about a diagnosis that hasn't even happened. But that is obviously easier said than done. I worry like any parent worries about not being there for their children.

October just brings the worst out of me.

Article about lil' ol' me

Breast Cancer Survivor: 'Why Put Life on Hold?' 

So tomorrow is the Race for the Cure in downtown Detroit. It is such a great event and I love participating each year. It is amazing to me all the men, women, and children who gather to raise money and awareness for cancer. As a breast cancer survivor, it obviously is pretty meaningful to me.

A local online news website, asked if they could do a story on me and I of course said yes.

This will be my fourth year participating as a survivor and my second straight being pregnant!

Bob and I in 2008. I was just finishing up my
radiation treatments. 

All my friends and family who came out to walk in 2009,
the first year for Wilson's Boobies

Team Wilson's Boobies last year (2010). 

Bob and I at last year's race. I was 36 weeks
pregnant. This year, I will be 31 weeks.