The pink elephant in the room

Bob and I back in May 2008. I had finished chemo in
February and had my mastectomy in March. I was
still doing radiation treatments at the time this photo.

I'd be lying if I said that I didn't worry about my health on a daily basis, or when I think about dying tears instantly well up in my eyes. I'd be lying if I didn't look at my children and wonder if they will know me their whole lives or just a short time. I do worry and I worry a lot.

October is one of those dreaded months for me. On Oct. 16, 2007, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was 26-years-old. I wish that I had been diagnosed in any other month than October. I love that there is awareness out there, but seriously all the pink just reminds me of the ever present elephant that hangs out in my life.

I was just reading the synopsis of the Lifetime movie "Five" that premieres tonight at 9. I instantly started crying, so I will not be watching the movie. I don't think that I can handle it yet even though it has been 4 years. I don't think that I will ever be able to handle it. I watched a movie back when I was pregnant that started off about a love story and I thought it was just a romantic story, but then in the last 15 minutes BAM; the main character dies of cancer. It sent me into a horrible tailspin that Bob was pretty freaked out by. I was hysterical. I just kept thinking how I am bringing another life into the world that I might not be able to see grow and even worse, I was bringing a girl that I wouldn't be able to teach her everything that a mom can teach their daughter.

Now, I know that I have been healthy and that everything went really well with my treatments, and I can't worry about the things that I can't control or worry about a diagnosis that hasn't even happened. But that is obviously easier said than done. I worry like any parent worries about not being there for their children.

October just brings the worst out of me.