Pinkalicious

I turned pink 5 years ago today. I swear my face was pink, my hands were pink, and my belly was the color of a sunset. I cried I was so beautiful. I even had pink tears.

Five years ago today, I did not feel beautiful, but at that point, I had no idea how beautiful life would be. I needed to turn pink to change my life. 

I never know how to feel on today. The day marks a not-so happy day, but yet the joy that I feel to pass it every year makes me smile and cheer "I'm still here."

When I was told at 26 that I had breast cancer, I was a bit naive about what I was really facing. I was naive at how much I was dealing with at that moment. Everything happens so quickly. You are diagnosed, you are sent through a million tests, and then treatment starts. The beginning is such a whirlwind there is no time to really digest what is happening. I remember thinking that during some test or at some point they would tell me they had it all wrong that I was fine and that I could leave. That never happened. 

Then as treatment continued you get this fighter spirit that damn it, nothing is going to take you down. You go through it all like a warrior. 

Then treatment stops and for the rest of your life you wait. I still wait. 

But waiting and stopping are two totally different things. I have never stopped. 

I love and appreciate the life I have now. I still have many faults and I still have many selfish tendencies, but I do believe that I am a different person than I was 5 years ago. The small stuff, the joyful stuff, the simple things matter beyond words. 

I have had so many friends and family support me through my journey and friendships blossom because of my diagnosis. My gratitude toward all of them is immeasurable. I live life more open-handedly because of the support and love others showed me. 

I like the person I have become. I look back on my before-cancer self and I really look at such disappointment. I was missing it. I was missing the small stuff. I was taking too much for granted. I was not the person I dreamed or desired to be. 

I see myself differently now. I am be no means perfect. I have many many flaws, but I like me. I like my life. 

Then I look at my children. The babies that came so easy and without effort. The ones some told me might not happen. The ones I know were meant to be ours. And my heart grows tenfold. I like that I am better a mom and wife than I would have ever been if I had not turned pink. 

When I was diagnosed, I knew what I had to do. I had to hold my nose and take what they gave me. I had to choke down pills, gag on chemo, and burp up radiation. But the next thing I knew, my arms tickled, my ears tingled, and my feet twitched. I was no longer pink. I was (a better) me and I was beautiful. 

Thanks to my husband, family, and friends. I love you all. Five years and counting.