Mother-2-Mother is a blogging series where I am sharing some advice that I tend to give friends when they ask. Take from it what you will. Parenting is a touchy subject. I am by no means telling you how to parent. |
I think that I was pretty lucky that I knew that I was pregnant when Calan was only 4 months old. Basically, I had to start thinking of him as part of a sibling pair from the very start . He was never an only child in my eyes.
This, I believe, was a blessing in learning to parent and making the actual transition to 2 children.
There is no way to actually prepare your child for a new brother or sister. You can read as many books as you want to him or her, but the fact is until their sibling is here, they have no idea what is in store. I mean, let's be honest, were you prepared for 2? I know I wasn't. I thought I was, but until that little bundle is here, no one can tell you what it is going to be like.
Trust me, I know that no matter what you do, your first is always going to be treated a bit differently. It is hard not to give your undying attention to that little being that gives you so much joy and happiness. But, the more you think about your first already being a sibling, the more prepared he or she will be when a baby actually comes.
It is OK to not jump every time your first cries.
It is OK to let him play by himself for an extended period of time.
It is OK to set a routine that works for you and not the other way around.
It is OK to say "not now" when he wants to be held.
I know that in theory we all think these things are OK, but when your little one is crying or wanting to be held it is so hard to not just give in even though you were in the middle of doing something else.
The fact is we only have 2 hands despite what our husbands (and the world) think. We can only do so much. So, set some presidence before your first is actually a sibling. The more you do early on, the easier it is later on.
Of course, having my babies so close together, this topic was pretty easy to imagine because it was actually happening. It wasn't pretend. It was very real. But, I can see now why seeing Calan as a sibling from the very beginning was a true blessing.
Here are some things that I did:
- Pack-and-play time (Independent playtime). I have mentioned this many times before, but it truly is a Godsend. Calan from about 6 months on played in his pack-and-play by himself where he could not see me. The key was him not seeing me. When Maisie was here, there were obviously times that I had to be somewhere else than there with Calan, but because not seeing me was normal by the time Maisie was here, there were no issues.
- Not attachment parenting. My parenting style is directly different than attachment parenting. I love my children, but I do not, nor will I carry them consistently. Actually, both my kids are the biggest wiggle worms when be held and just want to get down. I know that other mothers swear by this style of parenting, but not me. I want my kids to be independent of me from a very early age. I don't know if I had worn Calan all the time if it would have made a difference when Maisie came, but from not doing it, I know that he was never jealous of her.
- Sharing is caring. Make sure that you aren't giving into everything your child wants you to do. A sibling will not be that willing. I can already see Calan getting a bit bossy toward Maisie and we are working on it. Part of it is that she doesn't understand what Calan wants her to do, but for me, it is teaching Calan that he can't always have his way. I think firstborns are bossy for a reason. We give into a lot of the things they want to do. It is so easy to switch from reading a book to playing with a train to playing airplane when ever your child wants to. It isn't hurting anyone, so why not? Just remember that won't be true for a sibling. Even though Maisie doesn't care now when Calan takes one of her toys from her, she will soon enough, so being able to teach him early on that he can't have his way or that he has to share and wait his turn have been great life lessons at such an early age.
- Not first-come, first serve. And remember, whatever you do with your first (special outings, birthday parties, blogs, etc.), you should be doing it for your second. My mom reminded me last year at Calan's first birthday that I would have to do it all again next year for Maisie. And it is so true, I can't make his first birthday so special without also doing it for Maisie. I already do not have a baby book for Maisie and never announced her birth in the newspaper. I also, rarely made Maisie's baby food and Calan rarely ate anythign canned. I know one day that will come back and be thrown in my face, but it reminds me that I need to do things for both all the time.
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